The majority of this week was chilly and overcast here in Raleigh, which either has a positive, calming effect on my mood (it’s so cozy!) or somewhat of a negative, depressing one. I definitely experienced a bit of both this week. On the one hand, I loved bundling up and clutching warm drinks and looking at the lovely orange leaves against gray skies. On the other hand, I felt a little down. Like I was longing for something but couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was.
When I experience these feelings of melancholy, I am tempted to just throw in the towel. I need a new job, a new church, a new location. “Let’s move!” I told my husband more than once this week as I scrolled obsessively through Zillow, looking at homes that we can by no means afford.
Then comes the discontentment. There is obviously something wrong with my life if I feel this way, right? I need something better or different or more interesting, right?
It’s a comforting illusion to tell ourselves that something different will be better and will make us feel perfectly safe and loved and happy 100% of the time. What is more difficult, for me at least, is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and showing up to my actual life, not the one I wish I had. Sometimes it feels hard for me to wake up every single morning with the agenda of simply being faithful to the work God has called me to do- which, coincidentally, looks a lot like it did yesterday, and the day before that.
I think there is something beautiful that happens when we show up to our lives, fully present, ready to engage and build relationships and do the hard thing. When God calls me to make a change, I hope I am listening well enough to hear Him and to respond in obedience. But for now, I think He is telling my soul to calm down and sink into this beautiful season He has given me. There are opportunities for gratitude and love and joy at every turn, and I want to pay attention to those moments instead of being distracted by how I wish things were.
So I’m asking God to give me the courage to show up, and I’m trusting that He will be faithful to supply the grace I need.
A Continual Feast 
3 responses to “Showing Up”
This. This is amazing because you have captured exactly how I’ve been feeling. This is exactly what the cooker, dark weather and winter season does to me. I both feel cozied and comforted, but also with a sense of sadness, unease, homesickness…
I find I am constantly in my kind about the “to do list” or what my next few minutes will bring. I’d like to be able to find a way to feel safer in the present moment. To just show up where i am without jumping ahead in anxiety to where I want to be. Thank you for this beautifully written reminder.
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I’m so so glad this resonated with you. It helps to know I’m not alone! Love what you said about feeling “safer in the present moment”- yes to that!
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[…] a great Thanksgiving day, I did feel that strange feeling of longing/sadness that I mentioned here. I’m curious if anyone else feels this on […]
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