Tag: motherhood
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When it happens again
I tried not to get too excited this time. When I saw those two blue lines appear again, my heart soared with hope. Followed immediately by its evil cousins—fear and anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t like you to get too hopeful about anything. “Trying not to get excited won’t make it hurt any less if you have…
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March 5, 2020
Three years ago today, I got a call at work that changed my life forever. I stepped out into the hallway, next to a big sunny window that overlooked the parking lot, and returned our social worker’s call. A baby boy in the NICU. Born at 26 weeks. Drug exposure. On a ventilator. One week…
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Bouncy balls & rejection letters
“Mom, watch this!” CJ calls as I’m walking towards the dryer. It’s the battle cry of children everywhere. I turn and he dramatically tosses his small pink bouncy ball in the air, where it then hits the floor and pings against a wall. “Wow!” I exclaim. “That was a high bounce!” He smiles, satisfied with…
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Raising boys
I remember so clearly the warm summer morning that I laid on the exam table, buzzing with excitement and anticipation as the ultrasound tech exclaimed, “It’s a boy!” A boy. My eyes stung with happy tears that day, and many that followed, as I contemplated what it would be like to raise a boy. A…
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Our miscarriage
The night before my 10 week ultrasound, I rubbed Palmer’s cocoa butter onto my belly and whispered to my child, “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow!” Early on in this pregnancy, my doctors found a subchorionic hemorrhage which had resolved around 8 weeks. During that 8 week ultrasound, when I saw a squirming jellybean…
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Dreft & hope
I lift the gray onesie to my nose and inhale deeply—it still smells like Dreft and hope. Holding this outfit brings those familiar feelings of unfulfilled longing rushing back to hit me square in the face. It also reminds me that the process of building a family doesn’t happen on a 10-minute timer but instead…
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A prayer of thanks for fruit roll-ups
Thank You, Lord, for the simple joy of fruit roll-ups. Thank You for the ease with which I can pull them out of my diaper bag, and the immediacy with which they appease my children. Is there any quicker way to improve a toddler’s mood? I love seeing the look of unparalleled delight on my…
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Stay-at-home mom
My husband and I sink onto a gray sofa in our neighbor’s living room, surrounded by new and old friends. It’s the first night that our community group is meeting, and I’m excited to get to know everyone better. “For our ice breaker,” the group leader announces, “Let’s go around the room and tell everyone…
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Living in the “and”
Parenting has been challenging me in new ways lately. All the mess and the noise and the Why did you do that when I just asked you not to? It’s enough to make any slightly perfectionistic, Enneagram One person feel a liiiittle bit crazy. In an effort to more fully enjoy this season, I am…
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The beauty of unexpected things
A soccer ball in the laundry basket. Thomas the Tank Engine on the dish drying rack. An astronaut action figure in the front yard flower bed. These unexpected sights never fail to act as exclamation marks in my day, making me shake my head and smile. I mean, have you ever gone to water your…
A Continual Feast 